Those Damn Raccoons
by musthavebeentheweather
Summary: Burt finds a condom wrapper and confronts his sons about it. Cue the hilarity, awkwardness, and enormous amounts of love.


**A/N: I've had this idea floating around in my head for a really long time. Hope you enjoy my headcanon! Also, I might possibly turn this into a 'verse of sorts where Burt discovers other slightly awkward things about his sons if this piece gets enough feedback so... Feedback would be nice! Enjoy!**

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><p>Burt really hated Monday mornings for many reasons. Monday mornings meant inventory at the tire shop, checking payroll that would go out on Friday, and making sure everything was in order for the coming week. Monday mornings meant getting two groggy-as-all-hell kids out of bed and shipping them off to school at ungodly hours for early morning Glee practices. But most of all, Burt hated that Monday morning was also trash day. Usually, he could convince Kurt or Finn to take out the trash before they headed off to school, but now that they were going in earlier, there really wasn't time for them to do that. So Burt took it out himself, grumbling all the way.<p>

This particular Monday morning was especially terrible. At some point over the weekend, raccoons had gotten into the garbage that they kept on the side of the house and trash was strewn everywhere. Great. As if it weren't already bad enough that it was Monday morning, now Burt had to pick up the enormous mess the little pests had made. As he picked everything back up, stuffing it into a new black Hefty bag, Burt's gaze fell onto a smaller bag that had been stuffed into the larger kitchen bag. The bag could only have come from one of the garbage cans that they kept in each of their bedrooms and in the bathrooms, since Carole insisted on reusing their plastic grocery bags as trash can liners. As Burt picked up the smaller bag to stick it back into the black bag, the bottom fell out. An assortment of bathroom detritus fell out of the bag: cotton balls, tissues, the cardboard box from one of Kurt's bottles of lotion, and…

A small foil packet had fallen out of one of the tissues and lay on the ground, shining innocently in the morning sun. Burt bent down and gingerly picked the empty condom wrapper up by its corner, frowning down at it.

_Well…_ The Hudson-Hummel family was in for an interesting evening.

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><p>"Carole? Carole!"<p>

Carole poked her head out of the bedroom door as Burt's voice called up from downstairs. She finished putting in her earrings before replying. "What's wrong?"

"We've got a serious problem here. Come downstairs!"

Burt heard Carole sigh in exasperation, but her approaching footsteps told him she was at least taking him seriously. He shuffled from one foot to another, clutching the plastic baggie in which he had deposited the offending wrapper. To keep it as evidence, naturally. He would need to prove his clearly justified motivation for killing one of his sons at some point. Carole appeared in the kitchen and Burt held the baggie out to show her.

"Look! Look what fell out of the boys' bathroom garbage!"

Carole looked confused for a second before comprehension hit her. She looked from her husband to the wrapper and back up again to take in Burt's startled face. "Well… At least they're being safe?"

Burt groaned. "Carole, come on! You gotta be serious here. One of our kids is having sex and if it's Kurt I just… I just don't even want to think about it, I can't."

"Because it's Kurt or because it's Kurt and another boy?"

"Because it's Kurt, damnit!" Burt threw the baggie down onto the kitchen table and yanked his ball cap off of his head, rubbing distractedly over his remaining hair with his other hand. "I don't even like to think about my baby boy making out with Blaine, let alone doing…. doing _that._"

Carole walked over and wrapped her arms around Burt's waist in an attempt to soothe him. "Calm down, honey. It's not a big deal. They're both almost eighteen, you knew this would be coming at some point."

"Doesn't mean I ever needed to find out about it," Burt grumbled, returning Carole's hug, holding her tightly against him. "What should we do?"

"Well…" she mused. "You can start by cornering them today when they get home from rehearsal. Ask them yourself. Maybe if you surprise them, they won't try to bullshit their way out of it."

Burt spluttered. "I can't just… Not by myself! Can't you help me? Do it with me?"

"I'm working late tonight and you know it." Carole pulled away from Burt and moved towards the counter to make herself a cup of coffee. "It won't be so bad. Trust me, I've seen bad. We thought I was going to be a grandma for a while, remember?"

"Yeah," Burt chuckled. "At least we know we won't have that problem again. Hopefully."

Carole handed Burt a cup of decaf coffee and rubbed a hand gently up and down his arm. "It will be okay. Really. But it's better to get it over with while the evidence is still fresh, don't you think?"

"Yeah." Burt replaced his ball cap and leaned in to give Carole a swift kiss on the cheek. "Wish me luck then, I guess."

"You don't need it. Number one Dad, remember?" she gestured to the mug Burt was holding as she left the kitchen, smiling softly. Burt looked down at it and realized it was the mug Kurt had given him for father's day the same year he had come out to him. Burt took a deep, steadying breath. Right. His kids were having sex. He could do this. He could talk to them.

He could do this.

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><p>Burt heard the slam of the car doors outside and took a deep, steadying breath, fidgeting restlessly with the handle of his coffee mug. He heard the sound of a key in the lock of the front door and touched his pocket, making sure the evidence was still safely stowed away. As Kurt's and Finn's voices drifted into the kitchen from the front hallway, Burt called out to them.<p>

"Hey, guys. Can you come in here for a second?"

Kurt waltzed into the kitchen first and kissed his dad on the cheek before dropping into a seat at the table. Finn walked in after him and immediately set to rummaging around in the fridge for something to snack on. He decided on the Tupperware filled with ground turkey sloppy joes from dinner last night and grabbed a fork from the cutlery drawer before settling in to start eating his find.

"Finn, that's disgusting." Kurt said, scrunching his nose in distaste. "At least heat it up, or eat it with some crackers or something. Just… ew."

"Food is food, dude. This way it gets in me faster." Finn grinned, deliberately taking a large bite of the cold sloppy joes and delighting in Kurt's disgusted expression.

"Yeah, yeah, Finn, sit down, will ya?" Burt grumbled, gesturing to Finn's usual seat at the table. Finn plopped down into his chair began to shovel his food in even faster. "I've got to talk to you guys about something."

"What's wrong, Dad?" Kurt's face had transformed from disapproving frustration over Finn's eating habits into something a little more worried-looking as he took in his father's strained expression. "You look like something is really bothering you."

"Yeah, well… Something _is_ really bothering me, Kurt." Burt reached into his pocket to grasp at the corner of the baggie as he spoke. "I was taking out the garbage this morning and that damn raccoon got into it again. So I had to pick everything back up and put it into a new bag, and that trash bag from your bathroom broke open when I picked it up-"

Burt paused, not quite sure how to continue and definitely not sure if he really wanted to. At least he knew they were being safe; maybe he should just leave it at that. Maybe.

"Did the raccoon jump out at you?" Finn asked through a mouthful of meat. Kurt glared at him. _Now or never_, thought Burt.

"No," he said, pulling the baggie out of the pocket of his jeans. "But this did."

Burt placed the baggie on the table in front of him and watched as his sons reacted to what they were seeing. Kurt's eyes got comically huge and he straightened his back in his chair, leaning away from the table slightly. His face flamed red and he appeared to not be breathing as he stared at the condom wrapper sitting before him. Finn almost choked on his mouthful of food but managed to swallow and looked at the baggie in disbelief. He began to shake his head slowly, almost imperceptibly. Kurt glanced at Finn and noticed him shaking his head and elbowed him in the side. Finn turned to look at Kurt, who shot him a look that clearly said, "Don't say anything!" Finn just continued shaking his head slightly, his mouth wide and his eyebrows raised halfway up his forehead.

Burt leaned back in his chair and stared his sons down. "So… Who's gonna tell me who this belongs to?"

"But… why did you put it in a baggie? Is it like CSI or something? Oh my God, are you going to fingerprint us to identify it because that would be totally awes- OW, KURT." Finn rubbed at his shoulder where Kurt had just punched him, hard. "What was that for?"

"Because this isn't TV, Finn, and it's not _funny_! Please just shut up!"

"But it's in a baggie! That's so CSI. I totally didn't know you used the same brand that I did, dude. Great minds think alike, I guess."

"FINN. Please be quiet!" Kurt glanced quickly at his father, trying desperately to figure out if he could still spin this situation in his favor. It would be rather hard though with Finn here, seeing as how Finn knew he was having sex with Blaine and didn't appear to have much of a filter about it. And it would be very difficult to make Finn feel any shame about the situation, seeing as how he had survived telling his own mother he had gotten a girl pregnant, or so he had thought at the time. Finn was beyond shame. Kurt's cheeks were still bright red, his breathing labored as he tried to figure out a way to escape this.

Burt watched Kurt flush harder and sighed. "Look, kid. I think this would just go a lot easier if we were all honest with each other. Through my incredibly deductive senses and process of elimination, this thing has to belong to one of you. And seeing as how you took out your bathroom garbage last week as well, it has to have been…. used… recently."

Kurt groaned and leaned forward to bury his face in his arms on top of the table. Burt sighed, realizing that this was not going to quite as easy as he hoped. Not with knowing just how stubborn Kurt could be. But then again… Maybe he could use Finn's lack of filter to his advantage.

"Okay, you two, here's how this is gonna go down. We can sit here for hours until one of you 'fesses up, or we can all just go about our merry lives and you two will both be grounded from seeing your respective significant others until I can get to the bottom of this. How's that for fair?" Burt leaned back in his chair, crossing his arms over his chest as he surveyed his boys.

Kurt opened and closed his mouth indignantly before speaking. "Dad! Come on, that's really not fair."

"I don't know, Kurt," Burt said. "If you aren't mature enough to be able to admit responsibility for this, than I don't know if you're mature enough to be in such a serious relationship. And that goes for you, too, Finn. Maybe you should both take some time away from your boyfriend and girlfriend to figure out just what-"

"It's not mine!" Finn blurted out. "Rachel and I haven't had sex here, we only ever did it when her dad's weren't- THAT REALLY HURT, KURT."

Finn scooted his chair back from the table and picked his foot up into his lap to massage his toes. Kurt had apparently stepped on him in an attempt to get him to shut up but hadn't been quick enough to stop Finn from dropping the bomb. Kurt was glaring at Finn so fiercely that Finn appeared to shrink under his gaze.

"Finn, I think you should go upstairs. Kurt and I need to talk."

Kurt slowly turned away from Finn to look at his father. Burt didn't think he'd ever seen his kid turn such an intense shade of deep pink before. But then again, Burt didn't think he'd ever seen Kurt quite as embarrassed as he was right now. Kurt shifted in his chair and re-crossed his legs, clasping his hands together and resting them on top of his knee. He cleared his throat softly, his eyes now fixed firmly on the table top to avoid looking at his father. Finn got up and took his container of meat with him as he left the kitchen. Burt waited until the sounds of Finn's footsteps on the stairs faded away before turning to look at Kurt.

"So… Blaine, huh?"

Kurt sighed heavily and began to pick at his cuticles. "Yeah, dad. Blaine. Who else would it be, the mail man?"

"Don't get smart with me. I told you before – you think you're mature enough to be having sex with your boyfriend, then we're going to discuss this like two mature adults. I just want to be sure you're not rushing into things you're not entirely ready for yet." Burt stood up and moved to the sink, filling a glass with water before handing it to Kurt and sitting back down. "So tell me this. Do you feel any different now?"

Kurt took a sip of his water before responding. "What, you mean… Now that we've… I mean-"

"Now that you and Blaine have had sex, yes. And seeing as how there's a condom involved, I'm going to assume it was sex of the intercourse variety unless there are other uses for a condom that I'm just not informed of."

"Well, I mean… There _are_, but- Yeah, it was… It was the intercourse variety, I guess."

"So answer my question. Do you feel any different?"

Kurt set his glass down and frowned slightly as he thought about his answer. After a few seconds, he looked over towards the window above the sink and stared out of as he answered. "I do, yes. But not like- like, it's a good different. But I don't really know how to explain it."

"I'd like you to try," Burt said gently.

"I don't know what you… Okay." Kurt took a deep breath as he finally looked his father in the eye. "I feel… I feel closer to him, I think. No, not think. I do. I feel so much closer to him, knowing how much he loves me. I feel like- like I really understand now just how much I love him. How important he is to me."

Kurt paused for a moment, frowning again as he collected his thoughts, and Burt gave him a moment in silence as he did so.

"I feel like before I had all of this emotion inside me that was all for him and now… Now I have a way to express that to him on a level that no one else has with him. It's just us. It's our moment, and that is so, so special to me, to have this place where I can just… Be myself with him with no one to judge us or hate us or…"

Kurt trailed off, running his finger slowly around the rim of his water glass, his gaze turning towards the window once again.

"You really love him, don't you, Kurt," Burt said quietly, watching his son fidget with his glass.

"Yeah," Kurt whispered, so quietly Burt almost missed his response. "It's really scary though, you know? Being so emotionally invested in someone else. He just… he's something for me that no one else has ever been. Not even you, Dad. And it's always been you for me, you know? But Blaine…"

"I know."

Kurt let out a shaky breath and leaned back in his chair, reaching up to rub distractedly at his collarbone. Burt understood just how hard it was to put into words what Kurt was trying to say. Kurt opened his mouth, and then closed it, chewing on what he had been about to say for a bit longer before he tried again.

"I know that I'm only just turning 18. I know that that's… I know how young that is, in the grand scheme of life. And I know that I will meet a lot of other guys in the future, but right now, I am so sure of this. I was so sure of it when I told Blaine I was ready and I know he was sure when he said that he was too. We love each other. And I know that there's a possibility we might not make it past the next couple of years once we go to college and everything but…" Kurt met his father's gaze with fierce determination. "I know that there's also a possibility that we _will_ make it. And I will never, ever regret choosing Blaine to be my first. He's my best friend."

"You know… Carole is my best friend," Burt began. "And your mom was my best friend too. After she died, I just… I didn't understand how things in life could still be vibrant or beautiful without her there to make them seem that way. I learned to cope, yeah, but- I always wanted to have that someone there who could point out all of the wonderful things to me again and be there to talk to me. When I met Carole, she just sort of… Fit into this groove in my life that was so empty before. She made everything just work properly again, like how it used to be with your mom."

"I feel like that when I'm with Blaine." Kurt smiled, and Burt saw tears glistening unshed in the corners of his eyes. "It's like he just… knows, sometimes. Knows when I'm hurt or tired or scared and he adjusts himself to help me. And I can just feel when he's not happy, too. I know when something's wrong and I just have this need to help him and do whatever I can to make him smile again."

"Mmm," Burt hummed in response. "Look, kid. I'll tell you this. I ain't ever seen two kids like you two guys. I've never taken much stock in all of this love at first sight bull crap, but there's something there between you two. You love each other, and that's pretty powerful. Be careful with it. Respect him and don't take advantage of him."

"I wouldn't do that. I would never do that."

"Well… Good." Burt stood up from the table and stretched, pushing his arms up above his head slowly. "Hey, Finn?"

A clattering noise sounded on the second floor landing accompanied by several expletives. "Uh, yeah?"

"If you're done eavesdropping, you can come back into the kitchen now and help Kurt with dinner." Burt chuckled softly to himself as they heard Finn's footsteps on the stairs and he reappeared into the kitchen. Finn rubbed sheepishly at the back of his neck for a moment before he spoke. "So, uh… Does this mean we aren't in trouble anymore?"

"Kurt isn't," Burt responded. "You and I will talk after dinner. Don't think you're getting out of this one so easy, mister. Also, new rules for both of you. You're sexually active and if you choose to have sex in this house, I don't want to see it and I most certainly do not want to hear it. Keep it to yourselves."

"Ew, Dad. Just- ew." Kurt pulled out a cookbook and began paging through it to find a recipe for their dinner. "Maybe we'll just sneak around in the backseat of the car like normal teenagers."

Burt started, turning back to look at his son. "You know, Kurt… I'd really rather you didn't."

"Wait, what?" Kurt looked up from the book, an incredulous expression forming on his face. "Two minutes ago you seemed pretty okay with this whole situation, what do you mean you'd rather we didn't?"

"That's not what I mean." Burt leaned against the doorframe of the kitchen as he spoke. "If Finn and Rachel wanna go screw around in the backseat of someone's car – and it sure as hell is not gonna be my car, thank you very much – the worst that might happen is they get caught by a cop or someone and get really embarrassed. Kurt… If the wrong people were to come across you and Blaine being intimate like that…"

Kurt's face grew dark as he caught on to what his father was saying. "It's dangerous."

"Yeah, it really is. So just…" Burt trailed off, still deciding just exactly how he was going to handle this. "If you're going to continue having sex, I'm not going to tell you not to. I'm not dumb; I know there are ways for you two to sneak around without me knowing and do what you want, but just… I'd rather you were here, or at Blaine's house. Be safe. Don't put yourselves at risk of being in a situation you might not be able to handle."

"So…" Kurt ventured, testing the waters of just how far his father's patience would go. "When Blaine's in my room, can we start closing the door…?"

"Hell no," Burt responded quickly. "Remember what I said? I don't wanna see it and I don't wanna hear it, and these walls aren't all that thick Kurt. Besides, as if you would really be gettin' it on with your family around anyway."

"Dad, please never use the phrase 'getting it on' in any context whatsoever ever again, thanks." Kurt picked up a different cookbook and began to flip through its pages, still in search of a suitable recipe. "But you're right. We wouldn't. That's just… Ew."

"You know, if it weren't for those damn raccoons in the garbage… None of anything that just happened would have happened and we'd all still have no idea about anything that was going on," Finn mused to himself.

"Right, Finn. Sure. But Kurt- Carole and I work." Burt turned to leave the kitchen, but not before throwing out one last remark over his shoulder. "House will be almost empty, maybe you and Finn can come to an agreement."

"Dude," Finn said. "We should like… come up with a schedule."

Kurt placed a bookmark in the cookbook and propped it up against the coffee maker before turned to rummage around in the fridge. "Shut up, Finn. Here, wash some lettuce."

"But Kurt…"

"Just shut up, Finn."


End file.
